Column:

Obamas' new dog will wag tail, save world

'Portuguese Water Dog Effect' creates global controversy.

By Charles Austin

Published April 13, 2009

The Butterfly Effect is a concept derived from chaos theory that describes the way small, seemingly trivial actions can have monumental unforeseen effects. With that in mind, I'd like to show how this chaos theory says all of our nation's problems will evaporate any day now. I call this phenomenon the Portuguese Water Dog Effect.

The Obamas' new puppy has been a hot-button issue since Election Day 2008. It was on that fateful November night that our nation's canines first heard they were eligible to hold public office. The American Dream was true after all, and for dogs!

That night, the nation was diagnosed with a condition known in the medical community as "Dog Fever." Anderson Cooper, delirious with the disease, devoted hours of valuable news time to YouTube clips of cute dogs chasing their tails and drinking from toilets. Wall Street investors got so excited by all the presidential puppy hullabaloo they forgot to behave ethically and responsibly with people's money.

Nearly half a year later the day has arrived. The first puppy is in office, effective immediately, and Portuguese-Americans couldn't be happier.

News of the new White House dog, named Bo, is bound to spread to Boston, where an intrepid baseball fan will begin to unravel a liberal conspiracy. He will recall the Clintons' White House cat named Socks, and that Bo, when taken together with Socks, forms BoSox, an affectionate nickname for the Boston Red Sox. Sensationalist Boston fans will take this as a sign that the new administration has rigged the next four seasons of Major League Baseball in favor of the Red Sox, in an attempt to court the 2012 Massachusetts vote.

When New York baseball fans get word of this, they'll be pissed. In typical New Yorker fashion, their rage will be channeled into apathy, and New Yorkers will simply stop attending baseball games and get on with their miserable lives.

But this will come as a problem to Irving Picard, who has been charged with the task of liquidating the assets of Bernie Madoff, the recently convicted Wall Street felon and Ponzi schemer. Madoff's New York Mets season tickets were valued at $60,750, but now no one will buy them. Picard already sold tickets for opening day on eBay on Sunday, April 12 for $7,500. Picard will fret when he realizes he will no longer be able to sell the pricey season tickets, and ashamedly he will take the $7,500 and flee to China.

In China he will gather the remainder of the money and risk it all at a crooked Chinese casino. Because he is a superstitious but also patriotic man, he will turn to our nation's first dog for fortune. He will realize that the name "Bo" resembles the numbers "eight" and "zero," and will risk his money accordingly.

Miraculously, Picard will win every game of roulette he plays, eventually bankrupting the entire nation of China.

Redeemed, he will return to America as the world's first trillionaire. Being a patriotic man, he will devote himself to philanthropy, restoring luster to this great nation. He'll give trillions of dollars to the government, who will then pummel all our problems with barrels and barrels of sweet, sweet money.

We'll throw money at the wars, the economy, the environment, the poor, the tired and the huddled masses until finally all of everyone's problems have been solved.

Back at the White House, an unassuming Portuguese water dog will wag his tail, blink his little eyes and just for a moment, consider the weight of the world.

The Obamas have a dog! Good God almighty, they have a dog!