Column:

Wife wanted; apply now!

Marriage is entirely too permanent.

By Charles Austin

Published April 6, 2009

Marriage is a pretty fucked up thing. We don't make very many life-long contracts. I can't think of anyone we look up to more than superheroes for their unwavering morality and ability to do the right thing in the face of adversity. And yet, even these defenders of justice and morality aren't expected to stick with anything for their entire lives.

I bet those kids from "Captain Planet" grew up to form communes and grow their own weed in Canada, rendering Captain Planet worthless. The X-Men were always reluctant heroes in the first place, and because Professor X is the only teacher at his school makes me think most mutants give up on crime fighting by the time they hit their 20s. And similarly, the Power Rangers stopped saving the world once they were no longer young or attractive enough for television.

Temporality is a virtue. Instant gratification is a way of life.

But in a marriage, you agree to spend decades watching someone you love deteriorate slowly before your eyes, getting uglier, fatter and more annoying with every passing day. The invaluable power of Heart, Ma-Ti and his Planeteer ring are powerless in the face of the aging process.

Even Sam's Club requires you to renew your membership. So maybe we need to make the romantic world as ruthlessly capitalistic as the business world. This planet is just teeming with people who are smarter, sexier, funnier and just flat-out better than you. The same thing goes for your husband or wife, and he or she knows this too. As such, your spouse has no choice but to look as good as possible all the time, and to otherwise be at your every beck and call. If he or she isn't willing to put in the work, there's always someone else out there who will. And I hear spouses in some foreign markets are pretty well-versed in the ways of subservience.

Just like in the business world, marriage contracts are temporary. If Chicago Bears coach Lovie Smith could offer my wife a better deal than I, so be it. He can take her and Jay Cutler too.

So today, I've decided to pioneer this new era in marriage myself. I am extending a three-year deal with health care and benefits to the lovely ladies who read this fine newspaper.

Applicants must be at least one standard deviation above the average level of hotness on campus. For these figures, I will be consulting the MU Average Female Student Hotness Index for fiscal year 2009, so if you still have 2008's manual, you might want to get your information updated before deciding how much make-up to apply or what dress to wear to the interview.

In addition, applicants must provide a resume listing all previous relationship experience as well as a list of relevant strengths and skills. The list of previous relationships must include a few sentences detailing how serious each relationship was, thus informing my decisions on how jealous and bitter to act toward these people.

Following the application process will be a formal interview over a modestly priced lunch. Expenses for this meeting shall be paid in full if, and only if, the applicant is deemed competent enough for the position. In this case, the applicant will fill out all relevant paperwork upon completion of the meeting, and be rewarded with a $50 signing bonus, to be spent on gifts for me, in thanks for my gracious willingness to condescend to date a human being who isn't myself.