Column:

All work and no play makes MUPD dull boys (and girls)

Houska is forever young.

By Jacob Houska

Published May 7, 2009

Last week I got pulled over on campus in a golf cart.

I was driving around in my eight-seater limousine golf cart with four friends. You might have seen us, as we did our best to honk at everyone. We were having a grand time living the Van Wilder dream. Then MU Security stopped us, some lady yelling, “Hey, golf cart, stop right there!”

The nice lady, who was a big tough MU Police Department security guard, informed us that our dangerous actions — driving a golf car with “reckless abandon” on a closed campus — were against the law and we had to stop. She then began to radio to the real police to come handle the situation. She said into her radio, word-for-word, “I have five or six frat boys here driving a golf cart. Can you please drive faster?”

Uh-oh, those frat boys are at it again.

My friend Sean Stratton, a sophomore, wasn’t happy about us being stopped. He pleaded with the rent-a-cop.

“Ma’am, we’re on our way to Hardee’s and you should let us go because we’re hungry. It’s just right down the road,” Stratton said, pointing down the road in the direction of Hardee's.

To nobody’s surprise, she didn’t give a shit. Then the real cops came, and they were confused about the search-and-seizure laws associated with golf carts so they just took the key. I’m pretty sure that’s illegal, but whatever.

Then they had me park the limo-cart in some weird parking lot and told me whoever we rented the cart from could come pick the key up from the station and load the cart up in the parking lot. Then those jerks made us walk home all the way from Noyes Hall, probably the biggest mistake they could have ever made.

Halfway through our walk of shame, we saw the old man we rented the golf cart from and genius struck me. We walked over to him and I told him we lost the key and we needed another to move and clean the golf cart before he came back and picked it up later. He handed us a replacement key and we were on our way.

When we got back to the scene of the crime we did a few laps around it in the car before getting out, just to make sure it was safe. Then I sprinted with Sean toward the golf cart with my shiny new key in my hand and got in the passenger seat. I wasn’t about to take the risk of being the driver. I stuck the key in and Sean floored it all the way to the safety of our home. It was one of the best feelings in the world knowing we gave MUPD the finger while we were high on adrenaline.

The reason I share this story with you is because this will be my last column and there is something I have learned so far in college that I would like to teach you. It is very much exemplified by this story.

No matter what anyone else tells you here, never stop doing fun things. They are selfish if they think you should give up your glory days so their stupid school (that isn’t really that good anyway) can change its party-school reputation.

The most important thing you can do in college is have the time of your life, given that you are making good enough grades to be successful after. If you are one of the kids who stresses over things that aren’t a big deal and most of the conversations you have are about how much work you have to do because of your classes, you need to reevaluate your life. You are a virus and you need to stop bitching. This school isn’t really that hard and if it is for you, it’s probably time to switch your major because you’re not smart enough.

MU might tell you that you can’t party and security guards might tell you that you can’t drive golf carts, but screw them. If you’re not acting selfishly and you’re not harming anyone, have your fun.

Just don’t flunk out and end up as a security guard.