Column:

Listen up Tigers, it's report card time

Overall, the student athletes are doing OK this semester.

By Matt Gerstner

Published Sept. 22, 2009

I hate tests. I had three last week and another this week. Grades are actually starting to matter. I can't imagine what it's like for kids who do that and play a sport.

Fall sports teams, this is your mid-term speaking. You will now be given your grades for the first part of the semester. I expect improvement for the next mid-term, coming at a point to be determined.

Women's volleyball: I'm really tempted to give you guys an A, what with the Dig for the Cure thing (which is heartwarming) and whipping up on swine flu — I mean KU — but there are the Utah and Oklahoma losses in there too. You are young. You'll get better as the year goes on. But because you are so young, we need to get a little hazing in. So I give you a B+. Who knows? Maybe I'll be nice and give you that oh-so-sought-after A next time. Until then, shut up stupid freshmen.

Cross Country: I'm combining the men's and women's teams because let's face it, it's hard to come up with criticism other than, "Run faster next time." Guys, come on. You got to beat Kansas. Women, way to pull your weight and beat KU. You got two Big 12 Runners of the Week, so that gives you guys an A, but that's mostly a reflection of the women's team.

Women's Tennis: Well they haven't exactly started yet, so they have an Incomplete. But hey, their first event is the University of Nevada, Las Vegas Invite on Sept. 25.

Golf: Again, combining the two genders in the interests of making a point and not losing any readers by making this longer than it needs to be. Not bad so far. Women got a notch in the tournament belt with the guys finishing in the teens the past couple times. For now, it's a B. But that can change very easily. For example, giving me free lessons or bribing me with a free round of golf could very well get you an A.

Women's Soccer: Every class has its brilliant student that's failing because he or she doesn't apply himself or herself. You came into the season picked to co-win the Big 12, and now, you're in a little bit of a freefall. I can't just overlook the losses to DePaul and Long Beach State. Then I'm not doing my job. It's OK. It's early. You will be fine. But have your parents sign your report card and turn it back into me because you have a D.

Football: Got to save the best for last. At first it was an A. Then it was an F (one of those 50 percent Fs, not the absolute zero Fs). This week, it was back to an A, not because I was overly impressed, but more or less we did what we were supposed to do. So we'll average it out to an 89.6 percent, and I'm not one of those douche bag professors, so that's an A.

I've been saying it a lot lately, but we'll figure out just where this team is heading after the Nebraska game. Big game, good matchup, monumental in the Big 12 North race on primetime ESPN. Think of it like a "60 percent of your grade" type thing. No pressure, though.