Column: Apologizing too little too late

By Ryan Beck

Published Jan. 26, 2010

I'd like to begin my tenure as columnist this semester by welcoming all the new students to MU. I'm not talking about those students who have enrolled this semester but instead those people who have recently stolen the identity of who knows how many MU students.

The e-mail we all received said, "On January 14th we became aware that, for some of the forms, the Social Security number on the form was partially or fully viewable through the envelope window."

Partially or fully viewable?!

Maybe you should have become "aware" of this royal screw up Jan. 12 when someone carelessly threw the letters into the envelopes — someone who is clearly overworked and underpaid.

Thanks to our great institution, all students who received an Internal Revenue Service 1098-T form are at risk of having their identity stolen. The students who didn't receive it are just susceptible to identity theft the normal way, by watching episodes of "House" online and going to freecreditreport.com.

Now, I'm not trying to conjure up mass hysteria or frighten the freshmen who claim their parents don't pay a dime of their tuition. I am terribly disappointed and outraged our university's values of privacy reside more heavily in ridiculous policies like "Don't have sex in the library," rather than in ideas as obvious as keeping the students' Social Security Numbers safe. Now it looks like every student has been caught in the stacks with their pants down.

"But Ryan, I'm not at risk — this can't happen to me. I'm young and attractive!"

False. This can happen to you. In fact, it's more likely to happen to you because if you have enough money to blow on Starbucks and track shorts, then you definitely are receiving this particular IRS form in the mail. That means the fat letter carrier who drives that golf cart-esque postal truck might be about to pledge your sorority.

"Gertrude, put down that duffel bag! Your sisters are going to give that hump on your back a make-over!"

Everyone attending MU has enough stress already between school, work, sports, working out, clubs and trying to not get caught having sex in the library. We don't need to add "identity theft" to the list of things we try to forget when we go to places like Eastside Tavern on Tuesday nights.

Kyle Ayers is funny, but he can't make the missing funds from my bank account come back. Now all I'm doing is giggling and wondering who bought a kayak with my money.

So yes, MU, you screwed the pooch.

Your heartfelt apology in the e-mail claiming "We are reviewing our processes" is too little too late.

I mean, come on! What if I actually do write an unknowingly large check for a kayak? What should I do? According to MU, "If your SSN was indeed viewable and you are concerned about the risk of identity theft, you may want to monitor your credit which can be accomplished by contacting one of the national credit agencies."

That makes sense; you give everyone my SSN and I call the bureaucratic credit agency, wait on the phone for an hour and find out you did in fact give everyone my Social Security Number. Thanks but no thanks. I'd rather spend my time text messaging "Haiti" to 90999 and figuring out how to safely check out last week's episode of "House."