Column: Column temporarily replaced by quiz

By Mary Novokhovsky

Published Oct. 1, 2010

Today’s column will attempt to catch your short attention span.

There are less than 200 words before you get to the really fun part. Please bear with me and read them.

“If you don’t eat your meat, you can’t have any pudding,” as said by the old guy from the end of that Pink Floyd song.

In my previous six articles I addressed campus issues, picked my fork at the plate of philosophy and attempted to incite ethical debate — all to no avail.

It’s been six weeks, and the Mary Novokhovsky column comment count remains at a “stagnant mosquito-infested-pond-like” zero.

I’ve spent many sleepless nights plotting strategies and committing myself to research to try and win your hearts and minds.

At last, I think I’ve got it! The MN91 personality quiz: one of the latest and leading breakthroughs in human behavioral analysis. This unique test of mankind’s decision-making tendencies has been carefully proven to yield astoundingly accurate results.

It’s just so fast and easy! Get those pens out everybody — time to get crackin’.

1. Which American classic catches your eye first (go with your instincts)?

   a. American Pie, Don McLean

   b. Run to the Hills, Iron Maiden

   c. The Revolution Will Not Be Televised, Gil Scott-Heron

2. If you had to assign yourself one of these animals to represent you as a power animal, which one would you be most likely to choose?

   a. Wild butterfly

   b. Piranha

   c. Panther

3. You have $51, which category will yield the greatest spending of said money?

   a. Food and life necessities (tomatoes, yogurt, deodorant, etc)

   b. Drugs (alcohol, marijuana, etc)

   c. Hobbies (gambling, bowling, etc)

4. Which of these activities seems most pleasing to you?

   a. Frisbee golf

   b. Masturbating

   c. Eating

5. Sue, Tod, Jim and Toby are running a marathon. If Tod finishes after Toby and Toby came in first place, what happened to Sue and Tod?

   a. They’re taking their sweet, sweet time.

   b. Someone check the bushes!

   c. They both said, "Screw it!" and went out for milkshakes.

As are worth two points, Bs are worth three points, and Cs are worth four points. Just add up the points that correspond with your answers and get ready to discover your personality.

If you scored between 10-13 points, you are a Free Spirit Child. You love taking it easy and going with the flow. Your friends rely on you for creative advice and a whiff of patchouli. You tend to work at your own leisurely pace, but this may be problematic in high-energy environments. Sometimes you lose direction while riding your wild butterfly of hippie freedom, but no worries, man: It’s all good.

Things you should avoid: Becoming a stockbroker, metalheads and the WWE.

If you scored between 14-16 points, you are a Wild Sun Lover. You are really fun to party with until you throw a steel chair through a nursing home window. Your fiery passion and bangin’ body makes you a highly sought-after lover, but sometimes you go a step too far. Not everybody can handle nipple clamps. Try taking it easy every once in a while and not taking yourself so seriously.

Things you should avoid: Peace rallies, craft stores and tennis

If you scored between 17-20 points, you are a Funky Fire Starter. You’re a hip and smooth operator. When you walk down the street, you have a definite rhythm. In the future, people you don’t even know will invite you to their weddings to help them start the dance. If you haven’t already done so, you should probably learn to play the bass.

Things you should avoid: Country music festivals, Old Country Buffet and falling into the Cosby sweater trap