Column: The dark side of America's ‘obsexion’

By Rachel Allred

Published Nov. 12, 2010

Forget the Big Bang Theory. The idea and lifestyle that seems to be growing at a rapid rate might as well be called The Bang Theory: bang whoever you want, whenever you want.

We've reached the opposite extreme of the 19th century Victorian values, which included Sylvester Graham's idea that married couples should only have sex once a month. That's rather ridiculous, but so is the current sex obsession. There needs to a balance between almost completely ignoring sex and total obsexion.

Sex is a necessary part of life. If it weren't for sex, I wouldn't be here to write columns, and you wouldn't be here to read them. Intimacy can help fortify already solid relationships and signifies a special bond. However, when practiced inappropriately, sex can result in affairs, unwanted pregnancies, broken homes and sexual assault. It can also lead to devastating addiction.

A Discovery Health video on sex addiction said The National Council on Sex Addiction and Compulsivity reported up to 22 million Americans have a sex addiction. Similar to other addictions such as drugs and alcohol, sex leaves addicts with an unquenchable desire. For some, a sex addiction is harder to break than other addictions.

A man interviewed in the video has been fighting his sex addiction for 26 years. When he was 22 years old, he gave up his cocaine addiction and alcoholic lifestyle. However, he's been unable to give up sex and will do nearly anything with anyone to get it.

"It doesn't matter," he admitted in the interview. "It's an addiction. Like a drug addict, you gotta get high."

Clinical psychologist Oliver James said such addictions are often motivated by a desire to feel attachment.

"These people are actually desperate for intimacy," James said. "They're very, very lonely and what they're doing is trying to unite themselves with someone physically, and they've confused that with being close to someone emotionally."

I saw a magazine tabloid that claimed beloved Hollywood couple Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's relationship is in the dumps because of a loss of sexual passion. Considering I got a glance of this story in one of those Hollywood gossip magazines, I can't vouch for its accuracy. I can, however, attest some relationships are built solely on sexual activity and lust, which can be mistaken for love. When physical intimacy is used as a component of appropriate relationships, all is well. But when it's used as the foundation, things get shaky very quickly.

Perhaps this all seems a little overdramatic. After all, sex is not an uncommon activity, especially among college students, and we're not all turning into crazed sex addicts. Many people still choose to practice abstinence, for which they are sometimes criticized.

I recall a high school classmate once declaring, "I don't like how if a girl isn't sleeping around with guys, people assume it's because she's not attractive or she's lesbian."

On the website "Dear Blank, Please Blank," a user posted: "Dear secular world and every guy I've been on a date with, please stop being so appalled that I'm 24 and have chosen to remain a virgin until marriage. It's not a disease, and I'm fully aware of what I'm 'missing out' on."

Yes, sex is unavoidable in one way or another, but it can be put on hold. We obviously can't rid the world of sexuality or sex appeal, nor should we completely ignore it. We can, however, pay more caution to how sex is practiced and viewed and acknowledge it can be devastatingly more than just a pleasurable display of affection.