Column: Academy Awards for awful movies
Published March 2, 2010
With the Academy Awards less than a week away, the nation is abuzz with talk of big-budget Best Picture nominees, such as "The Blindside" and "Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire."
Unsurprisingly, the Academy has also nominated a nearly immaculate Quentin Tarantino flick, a film whose cast spared nothing but the spell check function in its quest for Oscar gold. And, of course, Disney is back in the Oscar fold, this year revolutionizing the world of animated feature films with 40 acres worth of in-your-face, we're-not-racist-anymore family fun.
But what about all the movies that weren't lavishly funded, didn't have all the big-name Hollywood heartthrobs or just weren't any good? Today I am going to use my influential position as a Maneater columnist to suggest additional categories that would make the Oscars more enjoyable and inviting for all the directors, actors, key grips and interns who slaved over terrible movies for a few years only to be shunned by the pompous, exclusionary Academy.
Best Talking Animal in a Supporting Role: Theodore, "Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel."
In a category largely overrun by canines — Scooby Doo's Scrappy Doo, Air Bud offshoots the Air Buddies — Theodore deftly scored the second-most prestigious award in the talking animal genre. He faced stiff competition from The Chipettes, the Chipmunks' female counterparts but ultimately topped even his own performance in 2007's "Alvin and the Chipmunks," where he and his furry falsetto friends sang a song about (no joke) rolling in their Escalade. This film must also be commended for its accomplishments in sound editing. By what sorcery did they make those chipmunks' voices so darn high? Supercomputers? Helium microphones? This is truly the 21st century, folks.
Best Tween-Pop 3D Concert Experience: "Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience."
Today's youth, dubbed the Doritos Late Nite Last Call Jalapeno Popper Generation by some, can't satiate their appetite for the concert experience. It's all the fun of a real concert with all the experience of an experience. The JoBros don't fail to please in their conspicuous collaboration with fellow Disney sensation Demi Lovato, America's fifth- or sixth-favorite Disney pop superstar.
Awesomest Movie That Mom and Dad Said You Can't See: "Ninja Assassin."
This movie is a 12-year-old's dream. Young boys' two favorite role models are mentioned right in the title. There's no room for speculation that some of these ninjas might perhaps be serving in a clerical capacity, sorting ninja documents and answering ninja phones. These ninjas are bona fide assassins. Writer J. Michael Straczynski said the script was finished in less than three days. This was so more time could be spent on badass assassin ninjas. With no plot to hamper the movie's badassery, the one remaining obstacle was stuffy parents, somehow less thrilled by orgiastic ninja violence than the Doritos Late Nite Last Call Jalapeno Poppers Generation.
Best Suburban Crime Documentary: "Paul Blart: Mall Cop."
The toils and troubles of the everyday mall security guard went largely unnoticed by mainstream America until this stunning documentary blew the lid off the whole seedy business in early 2009. Kevin James, as skilled at muckraking as he is at comedy, went undercover as an ordinary mall cop, unaware that he would soon find himself at the center of a nefarious hijacking plot that would finally air out the sickening state of America's shopping malls. Columbian teenagers were especially riveted by the documentary because it helped them to understand why they aren't allowed in Columbia Mall without adult supervision — rampant hijinks-prone hijackers.