Column: Census opposition getting ridiculous

By Ryan Beck

Published April 13, 2010

People are still complaining about the census.

The census is nothing to be afraid of; however, for all those people who have to collect the census: Be afraid. People are intense about their stance on the census issue. I am very sad to say there is in fact a census issue. This is an issue with actually filling out the form, whereas the old census issue was that of literacy.

There is no reason to be upset about answering 10 questions. It's just a survey! You just posted a picture of yourself drunk on a toilet in the women's bathroom, and you're upset about this?

People take thousands of surveys everyday on Facebook, which are far longer and reveal way more information than anything you'd say to the U.S. Census Bureau. The ill-informed "where's the birth certificate crowd," which happens to be growing as if someone got them wet or fed them after midnight, is clearly the most American among us in this nation. But if they are so proud, why wouldn't they want to fill out those 10 questions? Ten questions, which bear a striking resemblance to the same 10 questions Thomas Jefferson put in the first census, is not that much to ask.

Fear of the government is the worst reason to not want to fill out the census. If you're proud to be an American, read a book and try to take pride in not being an idiot.

"Ryan, I'm so proud to be an American, but I won't be filling out my census, because I don't want anyone else to know that I live in this country!"

There is something wrong with this point of view.

"But the census asks for my phone number! I can't give Obama that!"

First of all, you just gave your phone number to Best Buy after purchasing Toby Keith's Greatest Hits, and second, Obama is not going to call you. Phone numbers have area codes, which give numbers about activity in large areas. "But they want to know if I'm a man, woman, black, Hispanic, white or whatever! What an outrageous invasion of privacy! Stupid government!"

Put your guns away, Yosemite Sam. The census is inquiring about your sex and heritage to get a better idea of who Americans really are and to see what subsections of the human race tend to populate different areas of this great nation.

"But that darn gub'ment is wantin' to know how many people live in my house!"

What the hell is wrong with you? It's a census! You're telling Twitter and Facebook more and more everyday without blinking an eye. At least the government will help you water and maintain livestock on your real-life farm!

Thomas Jefferson would be spinning in his grave if he watched Fox News. His original census wanted to know even more intrusive information. At least this 2010 census doesn't ask, "How many slaves do you have?"

Which if you were wondering, was one-third of the population in the 1790 census. I'm kind of happy they don't ask that question anymore because I am afraid of what we might find out from the FogHorn LegHorns in this nation.