Column: Lottery winner wastes winnings
Published April 27, 2010
Move over Goldman Sachs executives; there's a new undeserving multi-millionaire in town. Our fellow Missourian Chris Shaw has struck a $258 million Powerball jackpot. All indications from the initial press about Missouri's newest socialite show he is a boring man neither creative enough to squander his money like the pros nor charming enough to win our hearts with Beverly Hillbillies-type hijinks.
He seems to have absolutely no interests or aspirations. He told the Associated Press he was unsure whether he intends to quit his minimum wage job he started three weeks ago at Break Time. He intends to pay his bills, replace his missing teeth he "didn't take care of" and take his family to Disney World. Seriously, Disney World. This man has the most clichéd, uninteresting idea of fiscal grandiosity.
In that same AP story, Shaw said he intends to seek financial advice "from people who know about money." A thousand aspiring Bernie Madoffs are probably already trying to rope this guy's hundreds of millions into a Ponzi scheme, and who can blame them?
If Shaw wants to properly assimilate into the frivolous lifestyles of the unfathomably rich, he's going to need a lot of help. Because he lives near Columbia, I feel obligated to give him some tips on how to adequately behave like a money-drunk, upper-crust American.
Former Sen. Ted "Series of Tubes" Stevens illegally received a fish statue worth thousands of dollars. Wayne Coyne of rock band The Flaming Lips is building a house with a massive dragon towering over the top. That's how rich people spend their money.
Shaw needs to set his sights on tacky, frivolous ornamentation, because he won't be paying any utility bills as he so naively expects. He will only be drinking imported bottled water from now on. His servants will buy him new dishes every time he eats, so he can feel free to get rid of that dishwasher and maybe replace it with a nice fish statue. He can hire non-millionaires to hold lights above him wherever he goes. Running water and electricity are not privileges. They're punishments for being poor.
Now onto the teeth. Lil Wayne spent $150,000 on permanent diamond grills. Unlike lesser rappers, Weezy's teeth are in a state of permafrost, iced out like a polar bear, ya dig? I'm all for Shaw replacing his missing teeth, but he'd better do it in a way that puts Wayne to shame. Why not take advantage of rich people's ability to break the law at will and get a set of fine ivory elephant tusks? Just have a manservant dip the tusks in molten gold every few months to keep up that new-tusk sheen that drives the ladies bonkers.
Most importantly, Shaw's unwillingness to quit his job at Break Time is distressing to the point of absurdity. This man has the fiscal freedom to go anywhere in the world, study anything, learn any trade, live out any dream career he never could have otherwise, and he has to seriously sit down and think about whether he's mentally prepared to leave behind three weeks worth of memories at fucking Break Time?
At this rate, Shaw is liable to send his kids to Disney World without him, because he's too gung-ho about working a double shift at the convenience store. Shaw should just buy his local Break Time franchise and build a theme park inside it. Then he could simultaneously experience his only two discernable passions in life: roller coasters and shitty dead-end jobs.
Comments (3)
6:35 a.m., April 28, 2010
Trevor Kraus said:
As I was reading this, I kept PRAYING to see that this column was meant to be sarcastic (and if it had been meant as a joke, what a column it would have been!) But the comic relief never came. If the writer is indeed serious about this idea, what an absolutely terrible notion, and outrageous column overall. The thought that we have become so elitist in this country that we automatically assume that if you have money, you should quit your job in order to enroll in some highfalutin, snobby program just because he "has the fiscal freedom" to do so is downright disgusting. And it's not true. As Shaw proves, there still are people out there who display humility and grace despite being rich. Sure, most of the rich people we see on T.V. and in the news (think Trump, Hilton, Kardashian, etc.) are rich, KNOW they're rich, and flaunt the fact that they're rich. But why must ALL wealthy people act that way? Believe or not, there is value in the routine, in the everyday pursuit of good old fashioned hard work at Break Time. The man wants to put in an honest day's work and EARN his money. What a novel concept! This man has no desire to be wasteful or frivolous, and for you to demand that he piss his money away by buying gaudy fish statues or a massive house that his family could never fill or a 5,000 inch HD TV he doesn't need is irresponsible. I doubt there's anyone out there MORE deserving than Chris Shaw of winning the lottery. Here's hoping he'll keep following his path, spend the money his own way, and tune out the advice of misguided student newspaper columnists.
12:57 a.m., April 27, 2010
boo boo said:
This story is so true...I mean really who the heck has to consider working double shifts at the local convience store when they are worth more than the franchise he works for. As far as the teeth he put his smile on showing America he needs to replace his two front teeth...I mean he is a millionaire he should go about it in style....