Column: Embrace laziness
Published Sept. 17, 2010
Hey you! Syllabus month is over and things are about to get real. That might seem daunting, especially if you feel burdened by your genetic predisposition for laziness. That's right, genetics.
A 2008 study led by kinesiologist J. Timothy Lightfoot crossbred two strains of mice (activity-prone and non-activity-prone) in order to see how their genetic offspring would fare.
Lightfoot and his team placed each mouse in its own cage, complete with an exercise wheel and wood shavings. They found 75 percent of the exercise-happy mice had dominant traits from their activity-prone predecessors and would run up to 8 miles a day, but the lazier mice just wanted to chill and didn't care about recessive traits.
In order to avoid running on the exercise wheel, one of the Lebowskian mice gathered wood shavings and turned its wheel into a bed. Another mouse, fed up with the bullshit, used its wheel as a toilet.
What does this all mean? Well, after 20 minutes of high-adrenaline Internet browsing I haven't discovered any follow up on this study; however, these 2-year-old preliminary test results are still reason enough for me to believe some of us will never change, and it's not our faults.
It's time to accept genetically encoded, fundamental laziness. It's time to take your life back. I've created a student-friendly plan to turn your socially unacceptable trait into a productive option. The SLOTH method can work for you.
-- Strike: Life is hard. Sometimes you just have a lot of things to do, and you don't want to do any of them. Your best bet is to simplify the complex set of tasks ahead. What don't you really care about? What can you push back? Better yet, what can you just not do altogether? One assignment, one date -- screw it and strike it. Suddenly you'll feel so free, and you haven't done a thing!
-- Liven: When I actually do choose to write a paper, I like to liven things up for myself. Sometimes I'll have a glass or three of wine. That little buzz can really spice up an otherwise stupid task. But be careful, one drink too many and your history essay can easily turn into a bitter diary entry. Three drinks equal great word choice.
-- Observe: Didn't read that book for class? Just relax and observe the one kid in class who did. What are his mannerisms? What does he have to say about the theme? Once you've gotten a grasp on the content you missed, raise your hand and disagree with that one student. In your defense, cite a quote from a famous philosopher (get creative with this one!). Not only will you earn participation points, you're facilitating creative discussion.
-- Trade: Working on a big group project? Don't like the task you've been assigned? Trade! You're the one with a shitty genetic predisposition -- you shouldn't have to do hard work. Excuse yourself from the task by throwing a small fit. List three to five reasons for why you need to switch tasks with some other kid. Most likely the group will be irritated enough to appease you. Maybe you won't be the most likeable. Remember, you only have one life to live. Make it easier and trade.
-- Habitualize: Incorporate laziness into your daily regime in order to help those around you become accustomed to your habits. If you're always late to class by five or 10 minutes, your professor will steadily become used to it. Don't change it up. By showing up on time once, you're instilling in them false hope. You know better than I that there's no chance timeliness will become the norm. So, schedule those habits!
Remember: Strike, Liven, Observe, Trade, Habitualize: SLOTH. Screw everything else. Go back to bed. Watch TV. Microwave a cheese sandwich. Live your life.