Halloween varies wildly depending on your setting. College Halloween is completely different from the Halloween you probably grew up with. As a kid, you wanted the most badass, scary costume, or to dress up as your favorite movie or TV character. Now, it’s about competing to see who can wear the least amount of clothes and still have their costume be identifiable. Before, Halloween used to be about getting candy; now it’s about getting ass or a new Facebook “prof pic.”
Growing up as a tall, awkward girl, I personally have never experienced “slutty Halloween.” I mean, come on people, can you imagine me trying to pull off one of those costumes? I put on one of those dresses, and it doesn’t even reach past my belly button. And I know it’s all about the short-dress thing, but I think it might be crossing the line to literally have nothing covering my butt cheeks.
I’ve always had an unconventional approach to Halloween anyway. I had cute costumes when I was younger because my mom would pick them out for me. It wasn’t until I was about six when I was finally allowed to choose my own costumes, and boy, did I take that privilege way too far.
The first hideous costume that I wore was the unicorn suit. It had a giant pillowy head, and the face hole was in the neck, so it looked like some sick version of me being digested by the unicorn. It was complete with hooves for my hands and feet, curls of long, flowy blonde hair and enormous thigh pads — because who doesn’t want to add 10 pounds to their thighs?
My poor sister eventually received this costume as a hand-me-down, and I accordingly dressed up as a princess that year. Which would have been fine and dandy had I not bought my American Girl doll a matching outfit, and had my mother not gotten creepy professional pictures of me and my doll taken at the mall (we both regret this decision).
The only other truly horrendous costume I can recall came around the time my Furby obsession had fully bloomed. I had Furby everything: Furby slippers, Furby underwear, Furby pajamas, Furby keychains, Furby Christmas ornaments — I think you get the picture.
I begged and begged my mom until she let me wear a Furby costume for Halloween one year, against her better judgement. This costume was just a giant, creepy white Furby that my arms and legs protruded from. The outfit was complete with white tights, Furby feet and a tuft of white fur that served as a bonnet tied around my head.
Caption: Notice how cute my friend’s princess costume is next to me and my seemingly bowl-cut shaped hairdo.
I honestly question how I had friends sometimes.
Whether you are dressing to look bootylicious or you’re leaning toward the more unconventional approach (I’m currently trying to decide between Karen from “Mean Girls” and a pickle), I hope you have a fun, safe and humiliation-free Halloween. Hopefully, I personally won’t accumulate any more stories to tell next week.
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