Move over, John Kerry. We’ve got a new way to do foreign relations here in America. Last week, the outrageous story surfaced about former basketball star Dennis Rodman and his February trip to North Korea. He, along with the Harlem Globetrotters, entertained the Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un. In return, the American visitors were treated to a luxurious welcome, including an extravagant dinner (while the rest of Korea starves). This has culminated into one of the most bizarre stories I’ve ever heard.
Cringe-worthy pictures show Rodman sitting with Kim laughing, bonding and having a good time, as if they were old pals. This has to make you nervous. Rodman, of all people, is the first known American to establish any sort of inside contact with the leader of North Korea. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say I don’t think he is who the U.S. had in mind to represent our country there for the first time.
So why would Kim reach out to a citizen of his mortal enemy? Well, apparently, the less-than-charming dictator is a huge NBA fan. Yep, you read that right. Kim Jong-un has a big ol' heart for American basketball. Yeah, right.
This is nothing more than a stunt — something to put North Korea in a positive light for us Americans. But I’m not buying it.
What is Kim’s reasoning behind inviting Rodman? If this were all part of some grand scheme to hoodwink America into thinking we should feel safe making nice with North Korea, surely he’d find a better candidate than the coo-coo-for-cocoa-puffs Dennis Rodman. What, did Allen Iverson not return the phone call?
To be honest, though, I’m grateful that this happened. Why am I so happy? You see, I love stories like this one: the ones that come straight out of Bizzaro World or the Twilight Zone. They suit my fancy like a fine wine. No, I’m not crazy like Rodman. But I am someone with keen eye and impeccable wisdom who is fully capable of recognizing the moment when the U.S. has finally figured out how to establish diplomacy with foreign lands: by using retired sports figures!
That is why I’m calling on more washed-up professional athletes to follow the example set by Rodman. Too long have Americans suffered through tedious endeavors in foreign lands. Former athletes, some of whom have nothing better to do, need to start leading the charge in foreign diplomacy.
So, here are some of the stories that I expect to see in the very near future:
Terrell Owens in Iran: We need someone over there who doesn’t put up with B.S. So enlisting T.O. is a smart move. If Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad tries to mess with him, his stubbornness will prevail. He’ll just do pushups in the embassy lobby until Iran gives in.
Mike Tyson in Israel: Since he famously once said, “I want to be a missionary,” who better than Tyson to send to the holy land to establish an end to the religious turmoil and warfare?
Brett Favre in China: China is so wishy-washy. Are they with us or not? Sending the king of “back and forth” to our biggest economic rival makes perfect sense. The more confused they are, the better.
José Conseco in Mexico: This is a no brainer because he's already had experience with our neighbors to the south — when he tried to smuggle drugs over the border. So he must know firsthand how to defend the border and slow down the drug war all at once.
Tim Tebow in Venezuela: Oh wait, I forgot Tebow’s still playing. Too bad, he would have been perfect to relax the tension we have with them.
In the end, we can all thank Dennis Rodman for initiating a movement to make America one of the most powerful diplomatic nations. And what’s better yet, we get to see athletes have insanely successful post-retirement careers. It’s a win-win really. I’m also anxiously awaiting for Metta World Peace to retire. I mean a guy with “World Peace” in his name, he was born for this!