Well, Mizzou, here we are. The beginning of the fall 2013 semester. Another year, another $20,000. And here I am, your local humor columnist looking to give you more than just a good laugh.
That’s right, I’m going to give you something. Not a present; I’m too broke for that. Didn’t you pay attention when I mentioned the $20,000? That’s my tuition bill we’re talking about. I’m giving you the gift of advice: a gift that can be regifted over and over without ever actually being gotten rid of. I think the best way to start off this year of gifting is with the gifts of knowledge that I was given my freshman year. Please read the lessons I learned. I hope you put them to good use.
1. It is in fact possible to sleep anywhere, at any time.
The dorm lounge, the library, the Student Center, Starbucks, the sidewalk, you name it. If it’s relatively flat, you can bet someone has slept on it.
*2. It is possible to sleep in the same room as someone without speaking to them for days. Weeks, even. *
Anyone who has ever lived on campus knows the drill (except for those lucky bastards in the single suites…). Some people are lucky enough to room with their childhood best friend. The rest of us get stuck with someone who we have never met in our entire lives, aside from a few short messages over Facebook concerning who’s bringing the fridge or microwave. Very rarely, a shot-in-the-dark random roommate might become your best friend. It is possible but not likely.
Fortunately, living with someone with whom you have absolutely nothing in common can teach you how to manage those awkward silences a little better, and you might even earn yourself a high score in the classic game, “How Long Can I Go Without Speaking to This Person?” (My highest score was 45 days. Too bad the only prize in this game was awkward eye contact in the dining hall.)
3. You can enroll in a three-credit class, not miss a single lecture or discussion and barely pass with a 64 percent.
Done it. Sometimes Statistics just won’t give you a chance, no matter how hard you try.
4. You can enroll in a three-credit class, miss every single lecture and discussion and pass with a 93 percent.
I honestly don’t even remember what the class was called. I think it was something about multicultural hip-hop.
5. When a box of cookies says “family size,” it may actually be referring to a “family of me.”
When the going gets tough, the tough get going … but the weak just eat cookies. Do you miss sharing that family size package of Oreos with your brothers at home? Here’s a tip: Finish the whole thing yourself! It’ll be just like they were there with you.
6. Some roommates have no shame when it comes to banging their girlfriend in the suite shower.
Thankfully, I was not the victim of this heinous crime. A good friend of mine, on the other hand … well, let’s just say he spent a lot of time in my room. And the second floor lounge. And the study rooms. Anywhere besides his own room, essentially. Some people just don’t care when or where they get it in.
7. No matter how much you dislike a certain restaurant’s pizza, it is still going to be one of the most delicious things you will have ever tasted, given the proper time of day and blood alcohol content.
I know that a number of usually health-conscious girls will agree with me on this one. Most pizza is delicious. When looking for good pizza, one will generally head in the direction of Shakespeare’s, Imo’s or a number of other campus-friendly establishments for their late-night munchies. However, when you are craving a large double-cheese-double-pepperoni after a long night of partying and sub-par Gumby’s is the only thing available, standards suddenly melt like the cheese you’ll be licking off the cardboard box.
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