We are a week into the Major League Baseball season. The Budweiser is flowing, Royals fans are crying, and I have already been reminded numerous times why I detest Matt Holliday so much.
Having been given a week’s worth of games to watch, I finally feel comfortable to release my 30 outrageously accurate predictions for this season.
Let's start in the American League.
Yankees: Alfonso Soriano, Carlos Beltran and Ichiro Suzuki start a death pool, which Soriano wins after Beltran and Ichiro run into each other in the outfield, spontaneously turning into dust.
Orioles: Chris Davis will put a home run in a window of the building beyond the right field wall of Orioles Field at Camden Yards.
Rays: Evan Longoria and Eva Longoria meet and fall in love. They name their first child Evelyn.
Blue Jays: Colby Rasmus goes to rehab for his crystal meth addiction. Jose Bautista follows back everyone on Twitter.
Red Sox: David Ortiz eats Dustin Pedroia. Mike Napoli joins the cast of “Duck Dynasty,” and no one notices.
Tigers: Justin Verlander is arrested after people realize how creepy it is that he has a relationship with a girl 10 years his junior, even if it is Kate Upton.
Twins: Have a game canceled in mid-June due to snow.
Indians: Nyjer Morgan kills a fan while pursuing a foul ball into the stands. His punishment is playing in Cleveland for the rest of his career.
White Sox: Adam Dunn goes 1-for-4 in every game he plays, with one home run and three strikeouts.
Royals: Reach the World Series for the first time since 1985 and play the Cardinals. The Royals lose game six on a controversial call at first base and then get blown out in game seven.
Angels: Mike Trout has the greatest statistical season in 17 offensive categories. But he loses the MVP race to Miguel Cabrera.
Athletics: Hire Brad Pitt as general manager. Pitt brings an influx of money to the organization, which allows it to acquire multiple stars in free agency and win the World Series in 2015.
Mariners: Felix Hernandez sets records for innings pitched, strikeouts and ERA in a season while going 0-15.
Rangers: Nolan Ryan returns to the pitching rotation after numerous injuries to the starters. Ryan clocks triple digits in terms of batters hit.
Astros: Lose in the College World Series. To the National League.
Marlins: Have largest crowd of the season when they live-stream a Miami Heat Finals game on the Jumbotron.
Braves: Open a Waffle House in the dugout. Backup catcher Gerald Laird is diagnosed with diabetes.
Phillies: Cole Hamels stays married to his Playboy-model wife.
Mets: Bartolo Colon becomes the fattest pitcher to ever throw a no-hitter.
Nationals: Bryce Harper establishes himself as the biggest ass in the MLB after hitting a 600-foot home run and screaming “Swag!” at the pitcher as he rounds the bases.
Pirates: It's revealed that Jason Grilli's scribbling on the mound when he enters games is a continuous game of tic-tac-toe. With himself.
Reds: Brandon Phillips takes on Yadier Molina in a WWE-style wrestling match. Phillips wins the match after repeatedly hitting Molina in the shins with a 2-by-4.
Brewers: Ryan Braun is booed at every road at-bat for the entire season.
Cubs: Shock everyone and make the playoffs. Lose to the Cardinals in the National League Championship Series when a die-hard fan, who would do anything for the Cubs, interferes on a foul ball play and in the process, ruins the Cubs’ World Series hopes and his own life.
Cardinals: Start a campaign to point out how they're not the best fans in baseball, further cementing their status as the best fans in baseball.
Dodgers: Yasiel Puig is deported mid-game early in the season. His projected stats for the full season would have won him the Triple Crown.
Giants: Pablo Sandoval buys a panda and keeps it in the clubhouse. Barry Bonds kills the panda in a fit of roid rage, sparking PETA demonstrations outside AT&T Park, and a new friendship between himself and Michael Vick.
Diamondbacks: My long lost cousin Trevor Cahill wins the Cy Young Award and becomes an Irish-American hero.
Rockies: Troy Tulowitzki and Carlos Gonzalez become the greatest hitting combo of all time. The Rockies still manage to go 70-92.
Padres: Go 81-81 and are ranked either 15th or 16th in every team offensive and defensive category.