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Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Column: 2014 NFL season predictions

Regarding the Jacksonville Jaguars: LOL

Sept. 4, 2014

We’re quickly approaching NFL season, and with it comes my forecast.

This is my third installment of predictions. The first was before the start of the MLB regular season, and the second was before the NFL draft. The following predictions are for the upcoming NFL season. If they are wildly inaccurate, I don't want to hear about it. If they are spot-on, I would like to be heralded as the sports prophet that I am.

Arizona Cardinals: Finish in last place in the NFC West. Carson Palmer is diagnosed with PTSD from the Rams defensive line.

Atlanta Falcons: Make the playoffs in a bounce-back year. Mizzou alumni William Moore and Sean Weatherspoon get their own reality show after their breakout roles on “Hard Knocks.”

Baltimore Ravens: Karma allows the Ravens to win as many games as Ray Rice was suspended for: two.

Buffalo Bills: Will not be relevant until Tom Brady retires. So probably another 20 years.

Carolina Panthers: Cam Newton and company go winless as punishment for tearing Sam Bradford's ACL.

Chicago Bears: Behind a great offense, the Bears win their first Super Bowl since the legendary 1985 team. At the podium following the game, Jay Cutler is asked how he feels about winning his first Super Bowl. Jay responds, “I don't care.”

Cincinnati Bengals: Make the playoffs and lose in the first round, like they do every year, regardless of how much they pay their quarterback.

Cleveland Browns: Johnny “Football” “Prince of Cleveland” “Money Man” “Boys with Drake” “This Writer's Hero” Manziel.

Dallas Cowboys: Win the NFC East as Tony Romo throws for 5000 yards and 60 touchdowns. However, Tony throws a pick in the NFC Championship and is immediately cut.

Denver Broncos: Peyton will have his traditional fantastic year and the Broncos will go 13-3, but they won't win the Super Bowl, which earns Peyton the title of “Only quarterback to win the Super Bowl and still be accused of not being able to win the big game.”

Detroit Lions: Megatron and Frat Stafford have fantastic years as the Lions go 5-11.

Green Bay Packers: Miss out on the wild card and the playoffs in Week 17. Aaron Rodgers doesn't care because he still dates Jessica Szohr of Gossip Girl.

Houston Texans: One of Andre Johnson's last years is wasted as he has Ryan “Pickspatrick” Fitzpatrick throwing him the ball.

Indianapolis Colts: Their season is virtually over after week one after Andrew Luck tests positive for being a caveman.

Jacksonville Jaguars: LOL.

Kansas City Chiefs: Lose the only game of their season that matters — October 26th at Arrowhead against the St. Louis Rams.

Miami Dolphins: Name a successful red-headed quarterback. Ryan Tannehill isn't going to be the first.

Minnesota Vikings: God help/bless Adrian Peterson.

New England Patriots: They have one of the coolest quarterbacks of all time, as well as the greatest tight end in the history of the sport: Rob Gronkowski. They lose in the Super Bowl, though, as Rob plays the game noticeably drunk.

New Orleans Saints: They have a great quarterback (not as cool as Brady) and a great tight end (not as good as Rob), but they still lose in the first round.

New York Giants: The season is a disaster as Eli throws 30 picks and Tom Coughlin dies on the field halfway through the year.

New York Jets: I hate the Jets and you should too. That said, Mike Vick is the man.

Oakland Raiders: Denver and the Chiefs are in their division.

Philadelphia Eagles: Jeremy Maclin finally breaks out and plays his first full season since 2010. The Eagles as a team go 6-10.

Pittsburgh Steelers: Entire team is suspended three games in after LeGarrette Blount and Le’Veon Bell smoke out the entire locker room. Heath Miller becomes the only active player on the roster.

San Diego Chargers: Denver and the Chiefs are in their division.

San Francisco 49ers: The only team with more a-holes than the Seahawks. The Niners make the playoffs beating the Rams twice on game-winning field goals along the way.

Seattle Seahawks: Steamroll the regular season but lose in the first round of the playoffs because good things can't keep happening to them.

St. Louis Rams: I don't want to talk about it.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: First round pick Mike Evans quits halfway through the year because he has to run real routes instead of whatever he was doing at A&M with Johnny.

Tennessee Titans: Charlie Whitehurst is on their roster. Is there anything else to say?

Washington Redskins: This team cannot be successful until they change their name/RGIII learns to slide.

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