Column: Coping with the inevitable
From the Pope to Rubio, some things must change.
Feb. 19, 2013
The opinions expressed by The Maneater columnists do not represent the opinions of The Maneater editorial board.
You could say I had an ideal childhood: I grew up in a middle class suburb, had a loving family to support and care for me, pets to cuddle and friends to play with. But unfortunately, all good things must come to an end.
You see, at a certain point we all lose a bit of innocence. For me, that involved waking up on Easter to see that my dog had killed a rabbit and brought it inside. For others, it may involve catching your parents pretending to be the tooth fairy or realizing there is not much need for ninja astronaut rock stars and therefore you cannot, in fact, be whatever you want to be when you grow up.
There comes a time when we all become a little less idealist and a little more cynical. The news this week has convinced me even more that at some point, even the greatest of things must come to an end.
The Pope retiring: Ever since the Vatican announced Feb. 11 that Pope Benedict XVI is retiring, I have been thrown for a loop. I have two big questions about this situation. First, what does a retired Pope do? From my vast experience with the elderly, I have come to the conclusion most retirees just complain that their grandchildren don’t write them enough. Since the Pope has remained celibate and thus has no children to guilt-trip, I can only assume he will either become a Walmart greeter or escape from his retirement home and drive to Taco Bell while fun. plays in the background. Best-case scenario, he has more time to focus on his real passion in life: being the coolest Twitter user around. Second, I want to know if I can apply to be Pope. I am fabulous at waving and I love fun hats. So, I think I fit all the qualifications.
The Carnival cruise ship Triumph getting stranded: We all know the reason people go on cruises is so they can brag about their experience and tweet pictures of towels shaped like animals. That all goes down the toilet – pun totally intended - when plumbing breaks and you have to use small plastic bags to relieve yourself. If I was stuck on a ship with no power, no plumbing, no food and only cruise ship comedians for entertainment, I would be begging for an iceberg to come a la the Titanic.
Marco Rubio messing up his response to the State of The Union: Ever since the Republican Party realized they needed to gain the Hispanic vote if they want a chance at winning a major election, Rubio has been their main man. You could say they not only put all their eggs in one basket but also counted the chickens before they hatched. Or, as someone trying to improve relations with the Hispanic community despite years of promoting a crackdown on immigration, would say: They put all their “huevos” in “uno canasta." And then maybe add some “holas” and a slightly offensive fake tan.
But of course, Rubio had to crush the dreams of those rooting for him by having some serious sweat and dry mouth issues. But hey, it is not too late to turn this situation around. The Republican Party could always look into being sponsored by water bottles. Move over Koch brothers, it’s Poland Spring’s turn to shine.
Reality Check: Every time an unexpected change occurs, we tend to panic and predict the end of the world. But after awhile, we become acclimated to the changed perspective and, if nothing else, can get a good laugh at the experience. This means while I may still be a bit traumatized at my dog killing rabbits, I can now at least get through Easter without breaking down in tears.