Column: How to succeed at MU without trying
Jan. 19, 2001
The opinions expressed by The Maneater columnists do not represent the opinions of The Maneater editorial board.
Greetings, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome back to another semester here at the glorious campus of the University of Missouri-Columbia. I hope you all had a fun and restful winter break.
The powers that be here at The Maneater have seen fit to reserve this space for me every Friday so I may share with you all my thoughts and feelings on the world that surrounds us. The interesting thing is that I'm not even a journalism major. I have no previous writing experience and have no contacts or references in any department whatsoever.
So, you could say I'm a shining example to all you young kids out there of what you can accomplish with some hard work, a lot of determination and a few blow job/cunnilingus "interview" sessions with the editors.
But enough about my exploits. The important thing right now, as we all gear up for another semester of working the system, is to snap out of that winter-break funk.
You've gotten blitzed with all your old high school friends, 've returned that ugly-ass sweater and 've broken most or all of your New Year's resolutions. But break is over, and we need to get back on a college schedule.
You've got to get back in that routine of getting blitzed with college friends, wearing the same ugly sweater every day of your life and gaining some new and interesting habits that you will resolve to stop sometime in the future.
Ah, yes, school is definitely back in session, everyone, and there is a certain little fact we learn along the way that proves to be the most useful in making college life more enjoyable.
Now, I realize that, for most of the older folks out there, this is nothing but a refresher course, but please be patient because the younger kids might not know this. So, everybody climb up here on Daddy's lap ... that's it — Jesus, 're all getting so big — and let me help you out a little.
Lesson No. 1: You have been lied to. You were lied to at Summer Welcome. You were lied to first semester. You are being lied to every time you are given a syllabus. It is the teachers' way of brainwashing us into thinking that going to their classes is indispensable.
Let me be clear: Studying and going to class are absolutely unnecessary for succeeding in college. In fact, only pussies do them. Why waste your time attending class when you could better spend your valuable day sleeping, playing video games and seeing how many beers you can bong?
Now, some might whine, "What about grades?" To these doubters, I say, "Look at me." Before I dropped out of school the first time (there's sure to be more), I passed well more than half of all the classes I took. And if I can do it, so can you.
So, as I make my triumphant MacArthur-like return to MU, I don't want to see any of my classmates brown-nosing the teacher by actually going to class. All 're doing is making me look bad.
Well, that's it for today. I'd like to thank you all again for inviting me into your lives, your classes and your bedrooms. See you next week.