The Maneater

Column: Imagining a Student Union-topia

Here is a plan to create Heaven on campus — or at least Purgatory.

I love going to college at Mizzou. It’s a great place filled with cool people, caring professors and a ton of facilities. Let’s take some time to talk about those facilities. I am free to use these as I please, so I am a little upset when the university runs them inefficiently.

I’m talking specifically about the Student Center. Now that I am out of the dorms, I spend most of my time on campus there. Many other students do the same, and, like me, I am sure they are a little ticked off about how it is managed.

Sometimes when I walk through the Student Center, I will see two or maybe even three tables not being used, as well as maybe a dozen or so chairs with no occupants. It’s time we get all of those extra tables and chairs out of there to free up some space for studying and standing in line at Pomodoro.

Speaking of Pomodoro, do we really need all of those restaurants in the Student Center? Infusion Café, Sunshine Sushi, Kate AND Emma’s? Kate seems to be doing all of the work in that deli; we need to get that space-sucker Emma out of the picture. Also, can we get rid of the vending machines that sell school supplies? Whenever I walk by them, it reminds me of that episode of The Office when Jim bribed the vending machine guy to put all of Dwight’s stolen office supplies in the break room vending machine.

Another way to cut down on wasted space would be to integrate the meeting rooms. It’s time the St. Louis Room occupants and the Kansas City Room occupants put aside their differences and learn to cohabitate. One Mizzou, guys, for real.

Could you imagine all of the space that would free up? There would be a lot more room for uncomfortable encounters. Now, when I see an old classmate or someone that may have lived in the same dorm as me, I barely have room to raise my hand and wave. With all of those extra chairs and tables gone, there would not only be enough room to wave, but also sufficient space to walk right up next to them and make awkward small talk for ten minutes.

Also, the Student Center would have even more room for stands of groups that I don’t want to join. Right now, these groups all have to fight for space around Speaker’s Circle, and they normally aren’t even noticed what with all the free food and evangelists. In this new, cavernous Student Center, organizations like the Bond Life Sciences Center Post-doc and Graduate Student Association or the Human Environmental Sciences Divisional Student Council will have plenty of space for students to pass them by.

This picture I’ve painted of a utopian Student Center could become a reality. If you want to see this change, file suggestions for the Student Center at the information desk. I am not sure if the information desk takes suggestions, but that seems like the logical place they would be, right? If nothing else, just complain about it on social media.

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