Column: The killer cocktail

Drinking your problems away, believe it or not, doesn’t yield a solution

All right, real talk. The first week of classes killed all motivation and optimism I had about getting a fresh start. Not to mention, I’ve basically student-charged my life away between buying books and clothes, because I’ve been sweating through five shirts a day in this miserable heat.

The worst, though, is if you have an 8 a.m. class Monday, Wednesday and Friday. If that’s your schedule, you’re most likely dead right now, because I know I am. Even if you don’t have class until noon, sometimes you just can’t manage to wake yourself up from your after-breakfast nap in time.

So, if the first week of classes has got you feeling like you should be a new cast member of The Walking Dead, you might think it’s time to cut back and let loose. But how? Go to a party, you say? Have fun?

Yes, let’s do that, because nothing can go wrong when you let a bunch of freshmen — who have been living under their parents’ scrutiny for almost the past two decades — loose in a college town at night.

In this first week of classes, there have been ambulances galore throughout campus. Whether it is at fraternity houses or residence halls, kids have already taken trips to the hospital, had their stomachs pumped, and had to make the ever-so-parent-pleasing call from the police station because of mistakes made.

So I’ll bet any money that all of those unfortunate night crawlers’ responses were, “But guys, it was totally fun and I never thought any of those things would happen to me, OK!”

If that’s your response, I am truly sorry for your brain cells. You must have done enough damage to those suckers that you’re actually serious when you blurt out these obscene statements.

I mean, come on! You’re meaning to tell me you genuinely thought that being impaired — most likely illegally — and walking around a new town with 30,000 new people whom you’ve most likely never met before didn’t set off an alarm to you that maybe you should, I don’t know, be careful? Now that just takes a special kind of stupid.

Listen, I get it, everyone wants to enjoy college. There are so many other ways to make these years memorable than drinking past your limits and ending up in the hospital.

If you want your life to be like “Project X,” I think it’s time for you to take a moment and figure out life priorities, because planning your life around a ridiculous movie that’s meant to satirize stupid decisions young kids make should definitely not be one of them.

And for the love of God, please stop thinking you’re invincible and nothing bad will ever happen to you, because in the words of "Mean Girls," you’ll get pregnant and die.

OK, maybe not that extreme all the time, but I think you get my point.

Seriously, though, you’re not a superhuman, and the basic laws of physics still apply to you no matter how many substances you consume.

So please, save yourself from everyone from judging your walk of shame the next morning, and more importantly, save your parents from getting that awful call.

Welcome to college — not Las Vegas for a bachelor(ette) party, but college. The place where you’re supposed to get that thing called an education, at a price that will render your wallet so useless you might actually want to vomit.

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