Column: MU students fight for parking

It amazes me that at 11 p.m. on a weeknight, it is harder to find a parking spot on campus than it is to build a working nuclear reactor.

Since last year, I have been perfecting a system of getting a parking spot. As soon as I see a pedestrian walking toward his or her car, I will pull up approximately one inch from his or her heels and wait until the person gets into the car. I will then put on my turn signal to let the other drivers know that this is MY space, and THEY can't have it. If necessary, I will flash a high-powered rifle in their direction.

I am beginning to wonder about the parking situation, and you will be happy to know that I have an earth-shattering solution - a universal answer to the problem of student parking on campus. (Applause)

Listen to this proposition:

MU has more than 23,000 students, and by my estimate, about 17 parking spaces. Sure, there are also a few parking garages, but if you haven't noticed, students are last on the priority list for these spaces which follows:

  1. Chancellor and curators

  2. Tenured professors

  3. "Other" professors and TAs

  4. Service workers

  5. Add sheet distributors

  6. Guys who pull cans out of the trash

  7. Students and laboratory animals

So blow up the Brady Commons parking lot and put in a 20-layer subterranean parking garage.

But not just any parking garage - it would be the most technologically advanced and luxurious parking structure in the history of the world.

Of course, it would be named the Jeff Wolff Parking Garage and Health Spa and would consist only of free student parking. There also would be an Olympic-sized swimming pool, full-service bars on odd-numbered floors, free car repair, a live band performing constantly on level six, 14 high-speed elevators with mirrored walls, an attendant handing out cologne samples and premium valet service. The entire parking garage would be carpeted, and rare paintings would be hung on the walls. It would be constructed entirely of high-quality polished marble and would be encrusted with synthetic emeralds.

The parking spaces would be large and luxurious, unlike the present ones, which obviously were designed for such fine pieces of automotive engineering excellence such as the Geo Metro and, of course, the Ford Festiva. I want parking spaces where you can set up a large motor home. There would be no parking tickets and perhaps the most important feature - no meters to pay.

Perhaps you are thinking, "Surely he doesn't believe that an idea such as this would ever weave itself through the bureaucracy of the most unproductive organization on campus!"

I need your help to get this idea going. Write to the Department of Parking and Transportation" clip out this column and send it to them or walk in and tell them how you feel. Actually, don't drop by, because a murderous spree would only slow down the process.

Perhaps you also are wondering how this parking garage would be paid for. I have already taken the time to draw up a financial plan.

Any car parked in the garage that does not belong to a student or an invited guest donation from the Laurie family will be confiscated and sold on the Russian black market. Since the Lauries are worth approximately $660 million, I figure I can swing a nice donation.

By the way, if your car is being fixed in the Jeff Wolff Parking Garage and Health Spa, the free loaner car is a Dodge Viper.

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