Column: An open letter to the ‘parking bitches’

They didn’t think I’d be brave enough to respond, but joke’s on them — I had nothing else to write about this week!

I left my apartment last Thursday, traipsed down the staircase and approached my car only to find a lovely purple sticky note placed underneath my windshield wiper. This is what it read:

“Get out of here Sox fan! It’s all about the CARDS! #STL #screwBoston <3 parking bitches”

This note was no doubt in response to the Boston Red Sox sticker I proudly keep on my back windshield. In the spirit of all that is baseball rivalry, I would like to send out this open letter to my dear “parking bitches.”

Dear “parking bitches,”

I know what you’re thinking, “There’s no way this lonely Boston Red Sox fan in the vast sea of Cardinals fans has the gall to respond to our clever little note. She’s probably so hurt that she’s going to drop out of school, abandon her lease and go crying all the way back to Massachusetts.”

Well I’ve got news for you “parking bitches.” I am responding. And what better way is there to do so than this public forum?

Get out of here Sox fan!

First of all, I would like to address your attention to detail. Great job on seeing that, yes, I do have a Boston Red Sox window cling on the back of my car. I spent a whole $6 on it, and I’ve glad it’s getting some use.

I won’t “get out of here.” Thanks for mentioning that I am a Sox fan. I’m pleased to see you put some critical thinking to work and were able to surmise that about me after one simple glance. If you had bothered to look at the other side of my back windshield, you would have seen the parking pass that indicates my privilege to place my car in the lot in front of my apartment building. I live here. I pay my rent. Leave me be.

It’s all about the CARDS!

It is most certainly not “all about the CARDS.” If you truly were baseball enthusiasts, you would be aware that there are actually two teams playing in the World Series this year (much like the past 110 years). Therefore, “it,” which I can only assume means the place in which one’s baseball loyalties should lie, is actually “all about” the St. Louis Cardinals or the Boston Red Sox. Clearly, there are two options to choose from.

I’ve been parking in the same parking lot with the same sticker on the same window since August. You obviously only have strong feelings about the Cardinals and their opponents because they are currently competing in the World Series. This, my friends, is what is commonly known as a “fair-weather fan,” and these types of people are generally frowned upon in the sports community. I’m sorry you must carry this dreadful characteristic with you throughout your life.

#STL #screwBoston

Maybe you aren’t aware, but the common Internet trend of hashtags only work on the Internet. You are not about to start a trending topic on my windshield. That isn’t the way physics works.

<3 parking bitches

Lastly, I would like to commend you on your signature of “parking bitches.” If you’re like any of the other drivers at my apartment complex, you certainly do park like a bitch. You know, a female dog, who is not legally permitted to attain a driver’s license and likely cannot reach the pedals nor grip a steering wheel properly. Also, this is not a very creative name. I’ll give you credit for trying though. Not everyone can be as creative and humorous as me.

Yours truly,

The Only Red Sox Fan in the Parking Lot

Share: Facebook / Twitter / Google+

Article comments

0 comments

This item does not have any approved comments yet.

Post a comment

Please provide a full name for all comments. We don't post obscene, offensive or pure hate speech.