Column: Republicans live la vida loca

It's over. There's no room left to argue, no Supreme Court to bail us out.

Complain, split hairs and make all the accusations you want, but history will show that on Jan. 20, 2001, after the birth of our Lord, Latin sensation Ricky Martin performed at the presidential inauguration. Some culture snobs might be whining about that, but I say good choice.

First off, Ricky Martin is a thousand times edgier than normal Republican fare (except for John McCain. He liked Nine Inch Nails. And I hear that Bob Dole had a soft spot for the Geto Boys.) I mean, who didn't just assume Wayne Newton was going to show?

This shows that Bush is willing to listen to the people and give them what they want. And what they want is to live la vida loca. While I'm sure that Martin wasn't the first choice (Britney was too feminist" those tattooed hooligans from the Backstreet, too punk rock" Rage Against The Machine didn't have a new singer yet and Fugazi wanted too much money), I'm glad the Latin sensation plans to put aside his personal beliefs to help everyone, except John Ashcroft, shake their bon-bons for political unity. (Actually, I doubt he put aside any political beliefs. I don't think he's a citizen of this country. Hmm. Maybe I should check these things before I start writing. Oh, well.)

But I applaud this choice on a level deeper than even that. Obviously, Bush is more insightful than we gave him credit for and picked Martin because the two are so similar, it's almost as if they are brothers.

Martin constantly tries to convince people he's straight. Bush constantly tries to convince people he's intelligent.

Few people thought Martin would last more than a year. Now, it's been two, thanks to his loyal fans. Few people thought Bush would last through the primaries. And now he's president, thanks to his father's friends.

Martin is of Hispanic descent. Bush has Hispanics over to clean his house every week.

Martin faced prejudice because of his skin color when he first tried to become popular in the United States. Sometimes, Bush will order a steak, and the cook will accidentally bring him tacos instead.

Bush had to shake the shadow of his early 90s predecessor, George H. W. Bush. Martin had to shake the shadow of his early 90s predecessor, Gerardo.

Martin used to be in Menudo until he hit puberty. Bush graduated from the Ivy League even though he used to hit the crack pipe.

Martin did a duet with Madonna. Bush can spell Madonna.

In Spain, Martin has set a record for a high number of hit singles. In Texas, Bush has set a record for a high number of executions.

Martin doesn't write his own songs. No one wants to take credit for anything Bush says.

Martin faces supposed competition from Limp Bizkit, but really, they are both prefabricated and ridiculous. Bush faced supposed competition from Al Gore, but really, they are both prefabricated and ridiculous.

Martin used to act on "General Hospital," a show that often produces unintentional hilarity by having actors unbelievably sincere in hard-to-believe scenarios. Bush gives answers to reporters that often produce unintentional hilarity when he acts unbelievably sincere when describing hard-to-believe scenarios.

Martin makes a comedian's life easy. Bush makes a comedian's life easy.

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