Police Blotter

Alex Issygarry, 27, of Mexico, was arrested Friday on suspicion of impersonating an AIDS patient in an attempt to get free AIDS cocktails. Police say Issygarry used his thick, yet sporadic beard, slumped shoulders, and homeless-man stocking cap to pull off the scheme. "Hahmagonna get out of jail, boss," Issygarry said. "Hahmagonna ."

Teeho Dyson, 20, of the LGBT center, was arrested on Friday on suspicion of breaking and entering and theft. The arrest came after employees of Breaktime reportedly opened the store on Friday morning to find hundreds of half-full bottles and half-eaten snacks littering the floor.

Sally McGrassy, 20, of the Manwhore Lounge, was arrested Friday on suspicion backing up traffic for miles on College Avenue by falling asleep across both lanes in mid-afternoon. "Where's my ball?" a disoriented looking McGrassy said while being led away. "No, seriously, where the fuck is my ball?"

Aimee Cloudy, 19, of Hatch Hall, was arrested Friday on suspicion of operating a drug-friendly commune in the midst of a residence hall. Authorities became suspicious when a PA reported that the third-floor lounge had been replaced by an opium den and that no one on the floor had showered in over three months.

Alison Bigstick, 12, of Iowa, was arrested Friday on suspicion of operating a motor vehicle with a fake license. Police say they became suspicious when they could not see the driver of the vehicle over the steering wheel. While Bigstick claimed to be 22, police said Bigstick was simply too "little and cute," to possibly be older than 12.

Sammie Lamirer, 18, of Lathrop, was arrested Friday on suspicion of theft and assault. Lamirer had reportedly been terrorizing fellow students under the pseudonym of "Mad Dog," using her sheer size and imposing voice to victimize, burglarize and terrify her victims.

Samwise Cook, 18, of Kramer, was arrested Friday on suspicion of attempted murder and arson. According to reports, Cook was seen laughing wildly and running out of Jesse Hall shortly before a pipe bomb exploded outside the MU News Bureau. "Who can't comment, now, you sons of bitches?" Cook screamed as he sprinted away.

Phil Corridor was arrested Monday on suspicion of possession of marijuana. He was found shaking in the corner of his apartment, clutching the pot and claiming it was being used for medicinal purposes only. Sources who wished to remain anonymous say Corridor "wouldn't even know how to use marijuana medicinally" and "is the biggest pothead I've ever seen."

Don Ketrick was arrested last weekend on suspicion of public endangerment after firing a gun in the air rapidly in Speaker's Circle. Ketrick was apparently upset that the MU women's basketball team had not reached the Final Four and was claiming to get "revenge." Willy Clay, Ketrick's lawyer, says Ketrick may plead insanity.

Police arrested Garden Eden, 18, of the Manwhore Lounge, on suspicion of possession of 37 different controlled substances. Police have not yet charged Eden because they have yet to identify the substances she was carrying. "We've honestly never seen some of this shit before," police said.

Police arrested MC Richter Scale, 19, of Clayton, on suspicion of loving Cody ChesnuTT a little too much. Scale claimed it was the neo-soul crooner's raw sexuality that seduced him.

Dean Holden, 26, was arrested for public distubance Saturday. Eyewitnesses say he was running around Brady Commons maniacally while repeatedly screaming, "The billboards exist. I swear to god, the billbords exist."

Maybelle Crayola, 13, of Jefferson Commons, was arrested on suspicion of impersonating a Manwhore editor. The vast amount of time she spent in Brady 214 raised suspicions. Upon arrest, Crayola named 4,328 different fonts and 6,289 theories of mass communication. The police jailed her anyway.

Jordan Deathandrage, 18, of Hatch Hall, was arrested while protesting the death penalty in Jefferson City. Ironically, Deathandrage will face the death penalty for the crime. Police said, in response to Deathandrage's punishment, that they think the punishment is fair considering "you get what you ask for."

Danny Doughboy, 18, was arrested for public urination Friday at 11 p.m. at the MU Rec Center. Police said they found Doughboy urinating over the edge of the pool, screaming, "Is the water warm enough for you now?"

Deacon Freaky, 19, was arersted on suspicion of grose misusse of a keybroad and intenshional acts of terribel speeling. Freaky, who did in farct grajuate frum high skool, sed the speelling mistaakes wur all axsidental.

Timel Frink, 20, was arrested on suspicion of petty theft. According to police reports, Frink stole two rolls of Tums from a Seattle convenience store. After Frink explained that he only took the Tums because a Pakistani man locked him in the store while his stomach was eating itself, he was intistitutionalized rather than jailed.

Kristina Smith, 20, of College Park, was arrested Friday on suspicion of unlawful loitering. According to police reports, Smith left her bedroom to go to the bathroom, got lost, and spent the next 16 hours wandering around Brady Commons trying to figure out where she was.

Cat Heines, 21, of Columbia, was taking to a mental health facility after reportedly having a nervous breakdown on Friday. According to reports, the Manwhore printer ran out of paper, and Heines' jaw dropped as she yelled, "Oh my God, Mt. Fuji's out of paper?!!"

Alexei Yeahly, 20, of Israel, was arrested Friday on suspicion of inciting violence. Yeahly allegedly refused to stop raising his hand during budget meetings, which incensed his fellow editors to the point that they were forced to throw him out a second floor window.

Shawn Galliher, 20, of Ireland, was arrested Friday on suspision of reckless driving. Galliher hit several parked cars and a fire hydrant on Thursday morning after, reportedly, "being distracted by all the shiny objects."

Zedekehia Ewes, 19, of New Mexico, was arrested on Friday on suspicion of check fraud. Appearantly, Ewes was using his uncanny physical similarity to fellow Manwhore staffer Chasel David to try to write large checks in his name. "I'm from New Mexico, dammit," Ewes said. "We don't have policemen there!"

Dallas Wray, 20, of Pretentious, Mo., was arrested on suspicion of attempted murder. According to reports, Wray was plotting an attempt on the life of pop star Avril Lavigne. "She's the death of music man," Wray said while being led away. "By the way, does this beard make me look Amish, or what?"

Richard Danielson, 21, of High Society, was arrersted on suspicion of vandalism and public intoxication. According to reports, Danielson destroyed several tables in Brady Commons by standing on them and singing patriotic songs in a high-pitched, nasal voice. "You're all gay and I know it," the drunken Danielson said.

Bubs Hoochy, 22, of the Budweiser Brewery, was arrested on suspicion of public obscenity. Hoochy was throwing chairs and tables around Brady Commons and screaming, "Fuck it! Fuck it with a big fatty!"

Brandon Nailson, 20, of Germany, was arrested on suspicion of mental abuse. According to reports, Nailson willfully missed deadline so many times that the copy desk and managing editor of the Manwhore began lying on the floor and weeping silently to themselves.

Charlie Boilermaker, 18, of Purdue, was arrested for reckless and imprudent driving. Police said they responded to an emergency call after Boilermaker slammed his car into a parked fire truck. According to police, Boilermaker could not see the vehicle as his hair was obstructing his view. "That kid really could use a hair cut," Campus Police Officer Grandpa Jack said.

Buzz Hubble, 18, of the Moon, was arrested for illegally parking his space craft in a fire zone in front of Brady Commons. "I was just running in to get a frozen Coke," Hubble said. "We don't have those in space."

Suzanne Lowerey, 19, of Snatch Hall, was arrested after vandalizing the residence hall. According to police, Lowerey was upset over being fired as a CA. She was fired for repeatedly telling anal sex jokes. "So what if I said I would pee in Britney Spears' butt, tuh huh. It was just a joke," she said.

Police arrested Kathy Garrotte, 19, of St. Louis, on suspision of leaving harrassing phone calls for MSA President Rhett O'Dung. Garotte claimed to be "nonconfrontational," admited to being "scared of students." She said leaving 97 phone messages was the only way she could finish a story.

Police arrested Elise Garter, 19,&"nbsp"on suspision of breaking and entering. Gardner, who was found&"nbsp"in the house of chancellor Richard Wallace, claimed&"nbsp"she was "just visiting an old friend." Garter exclaimed "You can't be serious, Dick and I go way back!" Gardner was immediately released&"nbsp"after MUPD received calls from Gov. Bob Holden, President George W. Bush, Pope John Paul II, and the United Nations calling for "their good friend Elise's release."

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