The Maneater

Column: DMX, Seagal, and Bob Dole

"What are youuuuu doing?"

"Sitting in Brady Commons, reading The Maneater."

"That is correct."

Sunday's Super Bowl commercials once again altered our vernacular, changed the way we look at squirrels and made us yearn for talking frogs. Although this year's collection of overpriced time-fillers wasn't necessarily classic, it did provoke many conversations — and many sick jokes about multiplying rabbits. So, let's take some time to commemorate — and berate — the best and worst of Sunday.

Bob Dole drinks some Pepsi and starts prancing around like a fruit. It's obvious he's from Kansas. This reminds me of an old joke: How do you get a University of Kansas graduate off of your front porch? Pay him for the pizza.

Try this one out for size: How are a tornado and two divorcing Kansas graduates similar? Either way, somebody is losing a trailer.

So, you know how they slowed down the birth rate in Lawrence? They made family reunions illegal.

Sorry, I got on a roll. Anyway, all I've got to say about that commercial is this: If Bob Dole gets that rowdy after drinking Pepsi, I've got two words for the senator: Wild Turkey.

Then there was the comical ad with the jovial ballet instructor teaching football players how to do touchdown dances. All I could think about was how this is one thing Missouri football players won't have to worry about. (R.I.P. Coach Smith era) This makes me think: With Larry no longer with the Missouri football team, will we soon be seeing him in Chevy's ads? Now those are entertaining commercials.

Some advertising experts and critics like to analyze commercials and break them down to find a deeper meaning. Case in point: the Volkswagen GTI commercial. We see two middle-aged men tossing objects at a tall tree. Monday morning, critics will be discussing what this commercial is really trying to say, how metaphor plays a role in this advertisement and what the symbolism is behind the two protagonists.

All I have to say about this commercial is: Why the hell is the car in the tree?

Seriously. That is not funny. Alien dog saying, "Wassup," = funny. Car in tree = not funny.

Then there was the movie ad for "Exit Wounds," starring Steven Seagal and rapper DMX. Get your Oscar ballots ready for this one. I'd rather be locked in an empty room, forced to eat from Dobbs Pavilion while listening to the song "It Wasn't Me" than see this movie. And believe you me, I really hate being locked in empty rooms.

I can already hear the movie's theme song: "Y'all gonna make a real bad flick — Up in here, Up in here — Seagal's so bad, he can suck my"ring"&iexcl"''&not"El

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